What Not To Do When Courting Women (humorous accounts of my recent past and their ensuing lessons)

Myspace stalkers. What can you say about them really? I think mainly, that they have too much time on their hands. I have had people find me on myspace met me at a bar 6 months ago with no evidence that we even have a mutual friend on this “networking” site. When someone finds you on myspace and you haven’t talked to them save for one time in a bar and they send you a message, what goes through your head? I’ll tell you what goes through mine. Why are you sending me this message? Followed immediately by: You’re a weirdo?! Obviously, this thought depends largely on the content of the message, whether or not I actually remember the person and the extent of our "meeting". But if you met someone one time a long time ago and haven’t seen or talked to them since, finding them online is a bit strange. Hate to be the bearer of the bad news. So, lest we have categorical rule #1: If it wouldn’t happen in real life, it shouldn’t happen on myspace!

I now turn to an example: I got a message and friend request from a person with no name or photo who told me they met me at a bar 6 months ago. They were surprised to see I had moved out of the state. I find this surprise frightening because apparently I had told them I was planning on doing so when I met them at the bar. That sounds psycho. I mean, that just sounds completely psycho. If this individual thought that I wanted so little to do with them at a bar that I would lie to such a degree that I would say I was MOVING OUT OF THE STATE, why would they take the time and effort to find me on myspace and then send a message!?! More importantly, why mention their surprise about me moving out of the state, thus admitting they thought I had lied to them? You could try and fly under the psycho radar instead of red flagging yourself and not mention that even YOU thought you were so weird that I would lie about moving to another part of the country. He might as well have written to me, “You probably don’t know who I am [because I have no name or picture on my profile] but you thought I was a total weirdo when I met you at a bar 6 months ago. Nonetheless, I thought I’d be even more weird and contact you online after all this time has elapsed just to announce that you were right and further show how weird I really am.”

I have to be honest though, because I would rather know who my stalkers are than have them lurking behind my back at any moment completely oblivious to it, I wrote back trying to determine who this individual could be. The psycho radar was off the charts when I received his response. He told me he didn’t have a picture because he didn’t want his teenage siblings to find him on myspace. Now, that would be a viable excuse, but for the fact that there was nothing that wasn’t PG on his profile. And, frankly, unless it’s genetic, I doubt his teenage siblings are going around looking for him online. Why don’t you just make your profile private buddy? Oh, that’s right, because you’re probably lying and just a freakin’ weirdo! At that point, I was, for the first time, thankful that I had in fact moved out of the state.

On that note, I would like to bring up a young man I met at another bar more recently. I was waiting for some male friends of mine who are always late. So, as I stood alone waiting, I was almost immediately upon my arrival approached by this individual who was polite and offered to buy me a drink after a short discussion on a topic I cannot recall. Because I did not want to give him the wrong idea, and because I knew my friends would be there any minute, I let him know I was waiting for someone. He said that was fine, he would still like to buy me a drink and I could go on my way. So, I acquiesced. He bought me a drink and we had a friendly (although quite forced) conversation while I waited for my friends.

Finally, my friends arrived and I tried to politely excuse myself which I didn't envision being hard since, after all, I had clearly told this guy I'd be ditching him upon their arrival and he clearly said that was acceptable. But, he made a request for my phone number to which I felt some responsibility to comply so I agreed. However, he had no idea how to use his cell phone. Eventually, I had to tell him to find me if he figured it out. Frankly, I think that's a clear message, particularly under the circumstances, to take a hike. Persistence is certainly not something this individually lacked. Because, alas, he returned in about 20 minutes, apparently after some tutorial on his phone, and tried to store my phone number. Although I was definitely second guessing this, I felt bad saying no now since I had already said yes. After a bit of struggle, he seemed to have it down. Immediately, I wished I hadn't just given this guy my number.

Basically, the point is that this person had no social skills to speak of whatsoever. Which brings us to categorical rule #2: When asking for a girl's number, at a bare minimum, KNOW HOW TO USE YOUR PHONE or in the alternative, bring a pen. If you aren't familiar with the functioning of your electronics or lack a writing utensil or are otherwise later turned down for being an idiot during the process of receipt of said phone number, do not approach her again. And categorical rule #3: Observations about race are of the nature that they do not need to be openly clarified to someone you don't know. And on a much broader scale, no need to point out any physical characteristics unless you have a well meaning question based on the observation (which rarely if ever occurs in a polite confrontation with a stranger).

I mean, that's the equivalent of: "You're wearing white shoes. I'm as weird as your myspace stalker. Check you later!"

Weirdo #3 is an individual I met at yet another bar on a date. This guy, I actually felt really bad for at first because he approached me while my date was in the bathroom and thought I was with the group of women standing next to me. We chatted for a bit and then he asked some question about who I was there with, clearly thinking I would then introduce him to my female friends, to which I turned and pointed to my date. He immediately kind of apologized and then said it was nice meeting me and left. No harm, no foul. All in all, I thought he was a decent guy, and felt bad about him being misled in the situation.

I ran into him a month later at another bar. Now, mind you, I was, on both occasions, a visitor in the city where this transpired. So, I think he also believed I had lied to him about living out of state when he approached me on the second occasion. This time I was with some girl friends. I chatted with this guy briefly and determined some very valuable information which affected very much my impression of him. First, he suffered from halitosis. Second, and most importantly (well, actually, maybe one is the most important), that he clearly expected me to spend the entire night talking to him. And, lastly, with reference to the second observation, that he thought I must be romantically interested in him. So, I politely excused myself to find my friends. He followed me. I excused myself again. Again, he found me and started talking to me. Then he did something to piss me off. Which, basically was acknowledge the fact that I clearly wanted nothing to do with him because he was annoying the shit out of me. Nonetheless, I had been polite all night about my disinterest in talking with him any further and now this jerk has the audacity to confront me like I owe him some duty of companionship all night! This isn't a date! I didn't invite you here! So, I think at this point, I was fairly rude and pretty much told him it wasn't my intention to spend the entire night in his company, that I had many friends in the bar that I wanted to see and socialize with and I was sorry if he thought that was rude and walked away. Yet, somehow, he determined it would be appropriate to approach me again after a short time.

I could not believe it. What didn't this guy get?! So, I got one of my male friends who happened to be at the bar to go over and tell him to leave me alone. This apparently had no effect and I had to spend the remainder of the night hiding from him. Luckily the night had pretty much come to an end and I was able to sneak out without any serious further contact. Which brings up to our final categorical rule for the night, rule #4: If you meet a girl and you have bumped into her one or more times, don't think that you are entitled to spend any time with her unless you're expressly on a date. Be thankful for whatever time she affords you. If you want, say hello and strike up a conversation. But, once she excuses herself one time, let her go!

I regularly tell men at bars I am going to find my friends and that I'll come find them later and mean it. On the other hand, sometimes I say I am going to find my friends and might bump into them later. I mean "might" and generally don't have any serious intention of seeking you out. But the most important thing to glean from this information is that men should stop getting mad at women before they have fulfilled their fears that they are just lying when they say these things. More importantly, have some respect for the courtesy involved. After all, men do this far more the women and in more serious situations! For example, after you sleep with someone you have no intention of pursuing a relationship, friendship and even further sexual contact with.

The point is that both men and women should put a much greater weight on actions of the other rather than words of the other, particularly at the onset of a relationship. If I actually come and find you after I find my friends, it means I wanted to talk to you some more. If I didn't it doesn't necessarily mean I am not interested at all, or perhaps it does. But wouldn't you rather know that and just have a good time a bar than spend your time following me around some bar like a lost puppy and later have me write on my blog about why you're such a weirdo?!