Seriously, You Must Be Joking!

In dating, men and women are looking for very different things. Early on, men are looking for perks of a sexual nature, while the perks for women tend to be more alcoholic and caloric in nature. For anyone that says they don't play games, that means you just go right ahead and hop into bed because honestly, the entire dating process is a game. What varies is how seriously people play that game.

So, you meet someone, they ask for your number and they call to ask you on a date. There are several reasons a girl might say yes to such an offer. One, is that she actually really liked the guy and thinks he's her future husband. Another is that she thought the date sounded fun. Maybe she's just bored. Really, it doesn't matter why we go, but if we go, we begin "dating".

Men, for some unknown reason have come to equate buying dinner with getting ass. It's funny when you have gone on a couple dates with someone and they haven't gotten any ass, you'll notice the restaurants you go to get nicer and nicer. Then, if you do sleep with that person, they'll do one of two things. One, is they'll continue to wine and dine you acknowledging that you are still "dating" and maybe that they actually have class. The second move involves nesting.

You know what I mean. The nesters. The ones that either want to settle down or their just homebodies and they think because they impressed you sufficiently to get you into bed, that they no longer have to do any work. This tactic must have worked on some, otherwise it simply wouldn't exist. However, that tactic will never work with me! In fact, it's the fastest way to ensure I will never speak to you again. Nesting! You have got to be kidding.

Frankly, I think nesting is for people that hate to date. It's for people that actually dread the dating experience all together. The people who get nauseated and clammy at the thought of conversation, wine, and a MEAL with another people because they might actually have to talk to them for like two whole hours! The way I see things, if you don't have an hour of talking points on yourself (half the time of a date, assuming your date has an hour on themselves) then you deserve to be single! And, if your date deserves to be single, then you should have two hours of stuff to talk about! I mean, have you done nothing with your life? Never gone on vacation? Seen a good sports game? Seen someone fall out of no where? NOTHING!?!

Which brings me to a funny dating story. So, sometimes, just to be mean and cruel I date people so that I have horrible dating stories to tell. The guy moves along, thinking I am actually interested in him and he might have a chance of getting some action, when really, it's all just a big joke on him. So, sparing the details of how this particular individual landed himself in this pitiful spot, we were out at lunch one day and the bill comes. We were finishing up cocktails so it sits there, he doesn't touch it. Then, I finally open the bill up and look at it. He asks some question regarding how I would like to handle it. Not surprisingly, it was obvious I was going to have to pay for at least my own lunch. But he now begins to suggest that I might like to buy him lunch as well.

I was very confused because I don't remember telling him that I wanted to buy him lunch. He's a pretty big loser and a really big jerk, so I couldn't think of any reason why I would want to buy him lunch. But, for some reason, he thought I might want to buy him lunch. So, I simply told him that I did not, in fact, want to buy him lunch. After which he still proceeded to put his wallet in his pocket. After instilling some further clarity into the statement regarding his payment, he finally coughed up some money.

During the course of the lunch, there was a discussion about being a "player" and how when girls met him they always thought he was the "player type". Now, as I laughed internally thinking, "Who in their right mind would seriously date you, thus allowing you to be dating multiple girls at once?" I told a story about someone I used to date thinking so much of our relationship, meanwhile I was dating all these other people at the time, it lasted a couple weeks, etc. So, this guy asks me how many people I was seeing now. "What do you mean?" His response was, "Well, like you and me?"

So... what you are asking is how many losers do I get to take out to lunch on a regular basis? Well, frankly, I don't even have guy friends as pathetic as that. Apparently he thought we were like really dating and feared he was being played. I thought this was hysterical because we're not hooking up, he doesn't pick up the bill, he doesn't drive me places, we don't do couple activities, etc.

So, the moral is if you don't pay the bill, you're probably not dating so you probably wouldn't qualify as someone that is getting played. And, even if you think you're actually dating someone without having to pay all the bills, you need to get your shit straight because you're obviously going to get played if you aren't paying for shit! I thought this was a basic principle but I have met more and more boys in this unsophisticated part of the country that seem to lack even the most basic manners!